Nobody has a business called Goddessness. It’s mine-slowly my Goddess empire will take over the world. Really it’s everyone’s Goddess empire-but we’ll keep that between you me and the billions of lamposts that we call the human race. We will take over the world and the pursuit of all the Ps will be eminent, Pleasure, Power, Passion, Prayer, Pinball (Well-it begins with P!)…I’ll add more later.
Do I sound crazy today? Maybe it’s the crazy sound of freedom! Hubby and son have gone off to visit the out laws in Charleston, SC and will be gone until tomorrow night. Due to a slight falling out, the out laws want nothing to do with me, which is ok for today! I am a free woman/Goddess. Also, I begin the Fast Track Detox Diet tomorrow on the way to my lap band surgery on the 10th of Jan. So….I am eating whatever I want today. No meal times, no feeding anyone else, no health guidlines, just me me me!
Another pure pleasure of mine is watching movies. After a visit to Yahoo Movies to determine that there was not one thing that I really cared about I hunkered down in my wonderful Lazy Goddess chair and have watched two wonderful movies. Stardust and Flakes. Flakes is an indie that is on Comcast On Demand and worth every penny of the $6.99 that I paid to watch it. Wonderful! I really enjoyed Stardust too. I like happy movies. I like romance. I like the pursuit of passion and pleasure!
I like the pursuit of Goddess. Goddessness. Let’s all catch it like a pandemic and spread it all over the world! On with my day of pleasure!
Ugh-I had the Upper GI today-I had to drink barium (YUCH) and stand/lie on this x-ray table while they xrayed my digestion in “action”. The coolness of the whole thing was eclipsed by the yuchiness of the whole thing. But I survived-and am back to my young self after a few cups of cocoa.
One thing that I thought was really interesting was after I drank one of the cups of barium. It landed in my stomach and they wanted it to work it’s way through to my small intestines. They asked me to think about eating foods that I really enjoyed. I had been thinking about how much I wished I could puke up the gross stuff in my tummy. Apparently this type of thinking actually impacts one’s digestion-halting it almost completely. Even according to straight doctor types. Then when thinking of lasagne and ice cream the barium went happily on it’s way.
I was struck by several things. First of all, that damn positive thinking thing, which I hear so much about to the point where I want to shoot the next person with a grenade launcher who tells me to say an affirmation to cure what ails me, apparently is very powerful after all. (Curse you Louise Hay, chiropractors and my mother-I hate it when you’re right!) Also, in the midst of a medical procedure to prepare me for weight loss surgery, I had to talk out loud about foods that I like. I was really ashamed.
And now, the airy-fairy realm of feelings about food is actually a real thing-which effects my ability to digest food. So, I will pray and affirm in a very positive way to have positive feelings about digesting what I eat.
Maybe if I think about celery when I eat a cookie, my body will respond as if it was celery?
So today, no matter what I eat, I say…I am eating celery-mmmm-yummy celery.
Also, I love my body-no matter what size she is and love to digest food and derive nutrients from it. I deserve health and happiness and goddessness. Yummy!
I don’t mean to make this all about lap band and weight loss, but as a modern goddess, that is what I personally am dealing with right now-so here goes.
I go today for an xray of my upper GI tract-I have to drink barrium first. No food too. Then I will have an abdominal ultrasound. I am nervous. I could hardly sleep. I’m not really afraid per se, just nervous. I want this so badly. Waiting is not my strong suit.
I ate last night. Hubby makes holiday dinners-this one was one of his worst. The turkey was good (thanx Ron Popeil) but everything else was pretty bad. Hubby admitted it himself. I still ate. I was hungry. I felt like crap later. Especially after the chocolate silk pie from Whole Foods. I really really really am getting complete with food. I am ready to say goodbye to hunger and fatness.
Well-It’s Christmas. I’m sitting here wondering what that means. By 9am we’ve opened all our presents. My son is playing with his Leapster, my husband reading his baseball book and me left feeling depressed and icky. It’s not that I hate Christmas, it’s just that there is always something bad about it. I don’t think my hubby and I have ever had a good Christmas. Or I haven’t.
It seems that no matter how much I ask for gift certificates-I never get them.
I am getting surgery-which I really really want-so that is good. Ugh. I miss my ex BFF.
Anyone else depressed on Christmas?
I will be having lap band surgery! On Jan 8 or 10 most likely. News to come. Goddess works in mysterious ways.
I feel that a profound truth must come from this blog-but I’m sure my reader will understand that I’m just happy and scared.
I wish I could say readers-but not quite yet.
What did I do to feel like a Goddess today? Asked my hubby to cuddle with me. He, I and little one all cuddled up in bed and watched a movie. He is so warm and his energy recharges me.
Oh-today is Yule. Blessings to all.
An Ode to the sink
spent 4 f%#king hours trying to unclog kitchen sink
hubby made numerous trips to hardware superstore to acquire correct tool
clog is finally out and now the pipes won’t fit back together again
no clog-now leak
we question our intellectual prowess
we question the purchase of house
we question our own lives
we question…
So now we must pay for our home plumbing to be unclogged and my personal plumbing to be clogged
irony
urgh.
I love my girlfriends. I am so blessed to have a few wonderful women in my life. I have made several great friends since I broke up with my BFF and am happy with several that I already had. Thanx to Lissa, Anna, Sharon, Lisa, Val. Who needs one BFF when I have LBFF (Lots of best friends forever!)?
Ladies-to the sushi!
How to worship the Goddess? I don’t know. I just broke up with my spritual partner/best friend. She and I danced to the Goddess and did ritual together. Since we split (June) I just feel icky or fake when I do stuff that we did. Without the structure of a church how do you keep the magic going so to speak? My altar feels dirty and I just can’t get into it.
I want to feel connected to Goddess again but am afraid. I still don’t trust her and am afraid of getting hurt.
Today I was thinking about relationships and how I used to think that sexuality was a black and white issue but now I don’t know. I used to think that couples should be having sex or else something is wrong. Lately I’ve been trying to let everyone just be where they are without judgement-not my stong suit. And my hubby and I haven’t been doing it regularly either. At first I really thought it was physical-hormonal. But now that my hormones are getting treatment (read post on adrenal fatigue) I see that I just don’t feel sexy.
Basically, if I’m in a good place, my hubby will follow but he will not lead. This is not really a criticism of him but merely an observation. I am just really willful and it’s hard to take me where I don’t really feel like going. I just don’t feel good about my stomach. It’s funny-I’ve been overweight since I was 6 and certainly have been since I was with my hubby. I weighed in the 225s when we first got married and now am up in the 350s. Big difference. Of all the fatty areas that bother me the most, it’s my stomach. Yuch. Between being so big and having had a baby it’s just not the stomach that I’m familiar with.
I can feel my tummy a lot when we’re doing it. And it gives me the creeps. I just judge myself so much. But now, I’m letting this judgement of me get in the way of intimacy and pleasure. Ugh. I think I feel like I need to suffer so that I’ll make hard changes. I just wish I could grok true change without suffering.
So, I will ponder pleasure and see if I can get out of my own way and have some.
goddessness, lap band, share | GoddessC | 
December 30, 2007 10:09 pm | 
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