What Did You Get Rid Of Today?

After a day of incredibly painful constipation for my son today, I realized that looking at the big picture is ok but that some days the most important thing we can do is to get rid of our sh#t. What hard, rock like pieces of crap are stuck in you? I am filled with turds of shame. I will let go of them. Goddess bless us.

I Cried When I Realized-No Post Op Nose Ring

I cried last night when I realized that I would not have a nose piercing anymore. I begged the Goddess forgiveness. I raged that my hubby was right. (I hate that!).

I couldn’t get it back in after surgery. It went almost all the way but the layer on the inside had healed. I didn’t go to Piercing Experience because I just couldn’t handle the pain. Today, it would hurt even more because it has pretty much healed all the way. It really hurt when I got it pierced. It made me cry. Then one night I ripped it out in my sleep and my nose swelled up and Padrick put it back in. That REALLY hurt. He was so great-I felt in love with him after how gentle he was with me. But now, I just can’t. Even though I just bought a new one. I just feel like my nose rejected it.

I like looking different. I also like looking the same. Basically, I like not being in pain. So I want to put a sign on my forehead that says, “I didn’t get rid of the piercing to look like everyone else or because hubby didn’t like it!” But, proving oneself with a piece of jewelry is an impossible task I guess. I don’t know.

Goddess does not want me to suffer. She wants me to be happy and does not need me to suffer for her. I’ve done enough of that. So has Jesus. I am already forgiven. I am already loved. I do not need to prove anything. I am dedicated to the Goddess in every woman and everywhere.

Lost 16 Pounds First 2 Weeks Post Op-YEAH!

I got good news today-I lost 16 lbs since 1/10/08. I was kind of happy and kind of disappointed. I know it sounds silly but I really thought it would be more. I am so good at sabotaging myself! So, I am thrilled with my weight loss and just don’t know how to get my mind around the big picture.

I find the urge to binge still hits and while I am not “beating the band” with ice cream I have pushed a few other limits. I am frustrated to find that I still must do things like feel myself and plan meals. A part of me wishes that I could just never have to eat!

If I plan and eat well then I do not get over hungry and I am ok. Tonight I went to a 4:20 movie with a friend (Pixie Momma-Busy Tarp) and did not want to deal with dinner after it was over. By the time she left my house it was 7pm and I was really hungry. I was afraid and overwhelmed. I find hunger so overwhelming! I overate. Still not too bad thanx to the band. But I am reminded of how well the band is working and how I still have to care for myself. Urgh! I just can’t be one of those gorgeous, skinny women who never stop to eat. I guess it does not serve them either.

Also, I ran out of a few foods that I rely on and thought I could just adapt. Well I didn’t do so great.

But-Good news. A friend called out to me today-she called “Goddess” and I responded without thinking! Yeah!

I am going to re-commence writing to my angels. I used to channel angels a lot but tapered off due to lots of things. If anything worth repeating comes out, I will post.

-Blessed Be

Get Rid Of Unwanted Catalogs

I just heard a cool story on the Today show. There is a website, www.CatalogChoice.org which allows you to cancel as many catalogs as you want. You just need the actual catalog to put the customer number into their system. Yeah! It’s free-it helps the environment and it helps me have less junk mail!

I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want

Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.

So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.

After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!

My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.

Lookin’ Good-Inside and Out

Today is day 8 post op. I am getting somewhat into a rhythm. I am making sure to have all my protein each day as that is crucial for healing. I also finally got the fiber that my doc recommended, it’s called, Benefiber. It actually dissolved so well that I really couldn’t tell it was mixed in. I had a liquid multi/fiber drink and felt so healthy! I recommend this fiber for anyone! Hubby asked if it “worked”. I will have to get back to you on that. I recommend it for anyone!

Let’s see-there is much to report. On Tuesday night-I reclaimed my body! I actually took the time (and yes it took while) to have my first post op orgasm! YEAH! It wasn’t the greatest one ever, but I was so glad to have my self back. I really feel that a woman’s ability to pleasure herself if so connected with her spirit and power-I am glad to report that I am back in the solitary saddle. I think that I will have to wait for the incisions to heal for a bit longer before getting back in the saddle with Hubby. It’s so great that I don’t have to be dependent on anyone for my own orgasm!

Why is it important? I believe that Goddess gave us the ability for a great reason! Why would we be able to cause ourselves such joy without any negative consequences (except those sometimes imposed by society) unless it was a vital part of our existence? So ladies reading this – if you’re not already on the bandwagon-please climb on and have some fun! Ok, I’ll get off my soap box now.

Next, I saw this great show yesterday, called, How to Look Good Naked. It’s on Lifetime. Hosted by Carson Kressley of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy fame. I find if frustrating that it takes a gay man to teach women how to love their bodies but at least someone is doing it! Plus he is really funny. I want to be really really clear that just because I had weight loss surgery does not mean that I think that I have to be thin to be beautiful. I have achieve a weight where I cannot do the things that I dream of, I have difficulty playing with my son, I cannot fit into lots of chairs including airplane seats, I can barely buckle my car seat belt, I have difficulty reaching my butt for wiping, and sex is less enjoyable because of my big belly. So, all the gory detail is to tell you that I still think I am beautiful and sexy. I am excited about getting smaller for lots of reasons and yes, some of them are about clothes and appearance but I do not think that I need to be a small woman to be a sexy one. Also, I will never have a perfect body, since NO ONE does and will continue to learn to love me more every day. I also got the surgery because I have spent a life time obsessing about what to eat and what not to eat and I am ready to spend my energy on other pursuits. I recommend this show because it teaches all women to love their bodies and enjoy them as they are today!

So, I love the show because it take women who are really pretty normal and teaches them to love and flaunt their body.

I think that is about it for me for now. I with that I could find a photographer who would do a tasteful line of nude photos for me-photographers out there-new biz opp!

Five Days Post Op

I am now 5 days post op. I am doing well. I haven’t been too hungry-if I feel a pang I just drink some broth and I am ok. Today is my first day alone since surgery. Hubby is at work, son at school. I am still in my nightie as I am not driving yet. I awoke feeling nauseous today. That is a first. The thought of ingesting anything grosses me out. I had some tea and am working on water right now.

I haven’t been able to get into dancing since I broke up with xBFF-it was always a part of our goddess practice. My mom had this cool machine called a Zizzle Zoundz machine.  It is the white ameoba shaped thing with lights on it. You place these shapes on the lights and can make endless varieties of music. It is really cool. I want one. I enjoyed dancing for the first time in a long while-incisions and all.

So today I am feeling lost. Without anchor. Without appetite. I feel a little like I did after I had my son. After being pregnant for 9+ months and then finally giving birth, I was quite surprised to still look pregnant. Well-I had fat surgery and am surprised to still look fat. Before and after pix are great but they are not a day to day record. I just keep reminding myself of that.

So today I pray for healing and rest. Please Goddess let me sleep in a bed tonight-no more nights on the lazy-goddess chair. Productivity. Purpose. Joy? Yes – please Goddess bring me some joy today.

Goddess Visited Me And I Felt Her!

Post Op. That’s me. I survived. It hurt. But I survived. When I was in the recovery room I felt Goddess. I’ve been praying to feel her presence for a long time. I just felt full of her love for a while. I initially felt like crap. I was really really thirsty. There was this really great nurse who gave me some ice chips even though she wasn’t supposed to. She told me to make sure that they totally melted before I swallowed.

I kept feeling like I wanted to tell her “Goddess Blessings To You,” but then I thought that I didn’t want to offend her. I was thinking of how everyone feels like it’s ok to tell me all about Jesus and they never worry about offending me so why should I worry? I finally said, “I hope this doesn’t offend you, but Goddess blessings to you.” She told me that ,”is who I serve.” She was she was a believer as was the nurse who was going to be caring for me in my room. I felt so happy. I really felt blessed. It turns our fellow believer was off duty by the time I got up there but it was still awesome.

I remember thinking that I better take really good care of my skin as I heal because I do not ever want to have surgery again. It really hurts!

I went home the next day. I am ok. My incisions hurt and sometimes I feel like crying but otherwise am OK so far.

Blessed be.

Entering A New Era Of Comfort

I am going to the hospital today to get my surgery. I had to take my nose jewelry out. I feel somewhat naked without it. I haven’t been without since I got it in a year ago when I dedicated myself to the Goddess. It was so tight that I had to go back to Piercing Experience to get it removed. It was a pink stone with purple titanium around it. I bought a new one-it is light green peridot with silver titanium. I was really stressed about it but the good thing is that the woman there showed me how to do it myself so now I am empowered. Plus I am over the phase of reclaiming pink and moving on to other colors.

So anyway, off I go to the hospital in about 30 minutes. I am nervous. Sort of about surgery, sort of about the whole big thing. Never again will I have the satisfaction of a eating a large meal and feeling stuffed and sort of sleepy and drugged. Never the comfort of a dozen donut holes and some donuts too. MMM-so good. I have suffered much for my comfort so now I will learn new ways to comfort that won’t end with me being too big to fit in an airplane seat. I am ready-I am willing-I am stepping into the unknown.

I pray to the Goddess to protect my son, to take care of me and to keep me safe. I want to be healthy and move on to the next challenge-or else just enjoy for a while. I don’t know, I just want to live a life not plagued by hunger and food obsession.

I want to say thank you to my wonderful friends and family who have shown their true colors and been amazing. Also, I want to send love out to my xBFF-The Empress and send her lots of love. I miss you.

Thank you-Blessed Be.

Bless This B*TCH

On being a b*tch-we all are. Every Goddess is a b*tch. It is a part of us-we just cannot help it. Remember when you feel this way and think that whatever you are being b*tchy about seems really real-it may just be the inner b*tch flaring up and saying “HEAR ME”. “EXPRESS ME.”

She needs to be expressed and that’s ok. She is an important part of us-she protects us and keeps us from getting walked all over or from taking care of others ALL the time. Like a petulant child who declares,with all sincerity, “I hate you!” she also declares such bold feelings of dislike and righteousness for others. However, while we usually remember that the child really is just angry and does not hate us, we frequently forget the the b*tch is also just demanding for a feeling to be heard-not speaking great truths.

Take what she says as an indicator of unexpressed feelings or un-nurtured aspects of self-not as the the truth.

Bless My Inner B*itch-And yours too!