Lap Band Progress

My weight loss update: I’m now down 36 pounds since January. Yeah! I went clothes shopping and lots of things fit and I had choices! I still have many miles to go but am happy with my progress.

Penis Shrinking Epidemic-Witches Are Everywhere!

I’m so stunned today by an article that I read that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Apparently, there has been a rash of witchcraft related penis thefts in Africa. While the offending organ may not actually go away, it may shrink and become useless. Men must especially beware of sharing a taxi with a man wearing a gold ring. He is definitely a witch. Not just any witch but one who enjoys randomly stealing a man’s penis. Fun Fun Fun.

I am struck by many things. One, my western judgmental self says what a bunch of idiots these people are. Another wonders if maybe the company that produces Viagra has subcontracted these horrible witches to assault men in the US and drive up the demand for the penis enhancer. Possible ED is really just caused by witchcraft!

Finally I wonder, how many of the beliefs that we have about what is “real” and “true” are really just as outlandish as this one when seen by an outsider. Some that come to mind: “Gay people are evil” “The earth was created by God 8000 years ago” “Tarot cards are the work of the devil” I could keep going all day.

So, men, watch out for other men wearing gold rings, they are spreading their penis shrinking magic all over the place!

Goddesses-be heartened, we are not the only crazy people in the world who believe in magic!

The myth of before and after

We all see those glossy pictures, read the sweet stories. Ugly before, beautiful after. Poor before, rich after. Single before, married after.

It’s all a myth. The only real before is before we are born and the only real after if death. That’s it. Lots of people think those aren’t real befores and afters either.

Our whole life is during. That’s it. Whatever is happening, in and out-it’s all a process.

It’s hard to let go of the myth of before and after. Despite feeling like every day is a before picture, I just want to believe that it will all be worth it for the after picture. But life isn’t like that-except in retrospect. It’s all just a big during.

Passion And Survival-The Balance

American Idol just makes me want to follow my dreams! I want to express my passions and be my best self! I write erotica, I write romance, I write personal growth and sometimes I just feel like my life is sucked away on the details.

However, even Bette Midler has to do dishes every now and again! So do singers, artists and writers-we all have to do dishes and laundry. So I must remember that most animals were given the life, by Goddess, of focusing entirely on survival and procreation and human were given the gift of being able to spend our surplus energy on expression and maybe it’s ok that I don’t always have a surplus-this does not make me any less passionate.

I love coaches-I love athletic coaches because they seem to really get to drive athletes to be their best. Other coaches do that too I guess. I love the movie Remember The Titans. I sometimes wish that we had Goddess Teams where we can strive to be our best and get coached towards it too. I know that lots of personal growth places do seminars like this but when life is going full speed it seems like there just isn’t enough time.

I don’t know where this is going but I do know that I love to see my fingers fly across the keyboard and I love to express my thoughts in writing. To me it is beautiful that nothing turns into something. Writing takes the ethereal and makes it real. I believe that may be my whole f*cking mission-to take the ethereal and make it real.

Goddess Bless

How Do I Not Be In Denial AND Be Optimistic?

I am doing better. Last night I wondered the following:

How do I stay grounded in reality, not in denial and still be empowered and in hope and possibility?

Seems Like No Matter What-Things Fall Apart

Tonight I lost it. I screamed, I cried. I hit the wall, I threw food. I exploded with anger. Let me begin at the beginning.

I decided to make my son’s birthday cake. I wanted to save money plus I wanted the glory. I am a very good baker and frankly, I like the praise I get when people taste my work.

I made the first layer. It was chocolate. I had even bought a new pan to bake it in. I have these cooling racks that you can either put right on the counter or they stack on top of each other with these little feet that collapse. I had the rack up on it’s feet and as I was putting the cake on it, one side collapsed and I grabbed the cake with my oven mitt covered hand to keep it from sliding onto the floor and burning me. I did save the cake but I left a big dent in it.

My son (now 6) said that it looked like a good cake and I should go ahead and use it in the final cake, dent and all. Several friends told me that I should use it and just fill the hole in with icing. I decided to wait.

Then I baked the second layer-yellow. It was perfect in every way. Gorgeous, perfectly cooked, and wonderfully shaped. I loved it. I decided that such a perfect second layer deserved a perfect first layer and I sent hubby to the store to get another box of cake mix. By this time my son has gone to bed and I was exhausted. I just wanted this whole cake thing to be over so that I could go to bed. So after he finally gets home with the new cake mix, I dragged myself into the kitchen and re-made the layer. All went well-it was in the oven and I made the icing. Butter and sugar-how can you go wrong?

I should mention that by this time I was so tempted by the wrecked first layer that I wondered if part of my decision to trash it was so I could eat it. As soon as I saw the dent, I just wanted to eat it all up.

So layer number three came out and is near perfect. I put it in the freezer to cool faster. Meanwhile I iced the yellow layer and waited. Finally the choco layer is cool so I put it on the top and iced the whole thing.

As I was icing it, I noticed that it the top was slipping and falling off the bottom. I tried rotating it to see if that would help. Now it was cracking a little. I hoped that if I put it in the freezer it would be ok. After about 30 minutes I checked on it and it was broken into three pieces and each one was sliding off the cake. I kept trying to push it back to together. Nothing worked. I put a knife in and tried connecting the two layers with it. I thought if only they could stay together for a while in the freezer then somehow it would be ok. The knife just ripped the cake more. I kept trying to hold the cake together. I got hubby and told him that I was about to lose it.

Then I did. I screamed, I shouted, I threw the cake into the sink. I got cake all over the place. My life is the cake. No matter how perfect I try to make it, no matter how much I try to push the sliding, cracking pieces together to fix them, they just get worse. They just fall apart.

I don’t know how to be this new me-this me that just can’t handle that much. That cries all the time and gets really pissed. That spends her son’s birthday mourning and feeling sad. I don’t know how to be her. She scares me. I don’t chat with my friends so much, I just can’t handle their problems. I don’t want to know what’s bothering them because I can barely handle my own life right now. The woman who I was, before surgery, could do all that but was eating herself into an early grave. This is so hard. Why is it so hard to be human?

I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to hold the cake together so it won’t fall apart but it does anyway and I’ve just wasted all this time that I could have spend doing something that I actually wanted to do. Is there any part of me in my life or is it all just making cake for others and then trying desperately to hold it together as it falls apart?

Sometimes Biology Is A B.TCH!

My son is turning 6 tomorrow. Right now it seems sad. I remember when he was a baby and I could see the toddler in him, and then a toddler and I saw the boy in him. Now a boy and I already begin to see the man in him. I am proud of who he is and who he is becoming and I miss the baby he was.

Sometimes biology is a bitch.

I’m not ready to have another baby but all the urges are in place to make sure that I feel 100% certain that another baby is what I need right NOW!

BTW-Every woman/goddess/sister should read the book: Forget Perfect by Lisa Earle McLeod. It is a breath of fresh air with wonderful and enjoyable lessons for women on how to just be happy and stop trying to be perfect. She says, “To Err Is Human, To Laugh About It Divine.”

I can’t find the exact quote but Anita Diamante in Pitching My Tent, said something like…Every day I watch my child grow a little farther away from me.

So sad, so joyful, so true.

Twenty Percent

A friend of my hubby’s gave his theory of women.

All women are 20% crazy. If they are crazy on the first date-it doesn’t mean they’re crazy – it just means you got her during the 20% and if you go out with her a few times and she seems normal…just wait…it’s coming.

I was happy-I figured I am crazy much more than 20% of the time.

-:)

Goddess Lovers Are Everywhere!

I was at a group and was talking to a psychologist about finding a new therapist. I kept asking about something written about each therapist to help me choose. I finally spat out that I am looking for someone who is spiritual and will support me in my faith in Goddess. He was very receptive and another attendee said she is a Goddess lover too! Watch out world-here come the Goddess lovers-we are everywhere!