This morning I awoke really early-thinking about my addiction to eating. About the little bursts of joy that I get from certain foods. How I still crave that every day. Every minute of every day. I do not know how to release it. How to experience joy in other ways-ways that are real every day ways. Pure brain joy that is.
I have been wanting to un-plug consciously but not knowing how to do it. I read, eat, watch tv. Sex has not been that good lately. I like it but it’s not awesome. I don’t think I need to work on techniques so much as more change from within. That is my new theme-looking within. I just am not doing it a lot. Always looking out.
I miss teaching too. Family education, adult education-I love who I am when I am teaching. I want to do that too!
That brings me to the To Do list. Doing Doing Doing. Always doing or NOT doing. Dominated by doing.
Blessed Be For Today.
- Bursts of Joy Surround Me!
- I Enjoy Doing Joyful Things!
- I Deserve Joy!
I awoke this morning to a feeling of peace. I am going to do my own burning bowl ceremony today-light a fire and cast my things to release into it. I am not going to focus on food/eating/weight but on my inner life, my movement and my joy. I started off this year “connecting” with my husband-I can’t think of a better way to begin a new year. Time is a flow, not a series of starts and stops but today I acknowledge a shift in the flow.
-Blessed be.
So hard. I don’t know what I really want. I overate a lot during Xmas. I do not want to give my power away any more. I get depressed rather than expressing my truth because I am scared to or it seems pointless. My soul is hungry. Just not sure what for.
Just read Cosmo at the hair dresser-and saw a study about what men like. A majority (over 35%) like to watch women self pleasure. The percentage actually goes up as they age. In the world of Cosmo-aging is past 30.
Anyway-Goddesses -We now have proof! Our enjoyment is a turn on!
I was lying in bed this morning and thinking about my day and life and had the thought, “I Hate Money”. I immediately tried to re-frame if for myself-to put it in a posititive light. Like I might offend money if it found out that I hated it. I think that in our new age effort to have everything be an “affirmation” there is a whole heck of a lot of denial going on. So-for now I am sitting with the thought. Seeing where it takes me. Then I went to I hate food. I hate money and food. The two things I spend most of my time obsessing over-I hate them.
I was looking at my old journals from when I was a kid and throughout my life and they basically all have the same thing written in them-I feel powerless over food. I thought recently-if only I could re-claim all that time that I wasted obsessing about food-then I could ??? I don’t know. What. Something. I hope. What would I do? Who would I be if I wasn’t working on money, food, weight, body, all the time? I don’t have an answer-that takes me back to the question of what does my soul hunger for? What does my soul want me to do?
I love money-I inherited/learned a gift from my grandmother-I memorize prices. I can’t remember the lyrics of a song that I’ve heard a million times to save my life but I can tell you how much Rice Milk costs at Walmart, Kroger and Whole Foods. $2.74, $3.76, $3.89 . Organic Beef: $5.99. Unless it’s on sale. She said that I should watch the readout as they ring up my food to see if the price is exactly what it was on the shelf. It’s an effort for me to look away now.
I love counting. I love keeping track. I saved some money-I accomplished something. I bought something at a good price-woo hoo. I accomplished something.
I can spend it too-but only on acceptable areas-growth, learning, health. So those are the areas where I have the most need-because otherwise I’d get squat. My husband BTW does not share this weird perspective. I want to go spend $60 on the Chiropractor or at a spiritual growth session and I think that is “ok” and he wants to buy a video game and I think that’s “wrong”. We are working on this.
So I hate it, I love it. I hate it is winning.
And this whole thing that people say-”money is just energy.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t GROK money. What does that mean? I get it intellectually but no deeper.
I was counseled to learn how to “sharpen my saw”. This is a concept from the 7 habits… as it was explained-we are constantly sawing but never stop to sharpen the saw-to relax and rejuvenate. I realized that I judge that. Stopping. Resting. Doing something fun. It must be useful, or educational or else I must be sick to stop. Other than eating-I feel like my tool kit for relaxing is empty. Tonight-I consciously did not eat-but was so wound up-I did not know how to relax.
I had a few drinks. Two. And watched a movie. It is midnight and I’m still up. Relaxing is not my strength. I did not work tonight and did something I enjoyed-I look forward to honing the skill of sharpening my saw. I want to enjoy life-just not sure how!
I’ve been having a big fat pitty party for myself for about 5 months. Something bad happened to me. I gained weight. I felt really sorry for myself and depressed. And then…
-My husband and I got closer
-I re-learned that my identity is the not same as my weight and my true friends love me no matter what
-I re-learned that I am a goddess no matter what
-I started therapy again and am grappling with some issues that have plagued me for years. They did not magically go away just because some fat went away.
-I am coming to grips with the fact that there is no “right” way to live life-some ways are preferable but we just do what we can
-I am getting the help that I needed in a way that I did not know I could get
-I have amazing people in my life who can really contribute to me if I let them
-I want to be happy-joyful and at peace-not miserable-even when I’m tired
-I am still here and at the end of the day-i think that’s a good (preferable) thing
So I am dusting myself off-rolling up my sleeves and getting to work!
It seems that the world is willing for my soul to die
A lot each day
As long as I’m nice
Along the way.
-me
I have been thinking about what is next for me. I feel like I’ve spent a some time worrying about the world and women and trying to “fix” what i think needs to be fixed. I want to help women heal their self images and sexual identities. However, I want to stop looking at the world through the lense of “what’s wrong” and instead accept that everyone is exactly where they need to be at the moment. If that is the case-if I am not fixing-then what is next for me spiritually.
I want to learn how to be connected with spirit more in my every day life and how to do more activities that feel spiritually nourishing.
I am also looking at my volunteer commitments. I want my volunteer time to be more aligned with my personal commitments and not just with what “needs to be done”.
I just feel like I spend so much time fixing-it’s not fun and nothing ever is fixed! Including me! I can’t help but hear the voices of all my years of personal growth training and reading-everything is just as it should be!
Keep in mind that I’m not at the moment addressing the big picture issues that seem “wrong” such as neglect and abuse, human trafficking, etc… more the issues of suburban American malaise.
Right now-a good nights sleep would be helpful too!
How is it that I can feel so empowered one minute and so empty the next? I don’t know how to carry the feeling of divinity into my evenings. I sit at home and feel lonely. I don’t feel like creating art, I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel like reading or watching TV. I have to be careful if I do watch TV because if I watch anything depressing-it haunts me. My life is boring and unsatisfying yet I’m ok. My husband and I are happy – my son is healthy. Hubby’s job is going well as is my business. In this climate-it is wonderful. But… I don’t want to whine. I want to be empowered. I just feel everything but…
I want inspiration, motivation, excitement. I want to feel alive and joyful. I want to feel safe too. Can i have it all?
Can I stop thinking about myself for a moment or two? URGH!
This too is Goddessness-someday I will look back on this time and realize how much I learned-I want to enjoy it now though.
being a woman, body, empowerment, spirituality | Goddess | 
March 6, 2010 7:27 am | 
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