Seems Like No Matter What-Things Fall Apart

Tonight I lost it. I screamed, I cried. I hit the wall, I threw food. I exploded with anger. Let me begin at the beginning.

I decided to make my son’s birthday cake. I wanted to save money plus I wanted the glory. I am a very good baker and frankly, I like the praise I get when people taste my work.

I made the first layer. It was chocolate. I had even bought a new pan to bake it in. I have these cooling racks that you can either put right on the counter or they stack on top of each other with these little feet that collapse. I had the rack up on it’s feet and as I was putting the cake on it, one side collapsed and I grabbed the cake with my oven mitt covered hand to keep it from sliding onto the floor and burning me. I did save the cake but I left a big dent in it.

My son (now 6) said that it looked like a good cake and I should go ahead and use it in the final cake, dent and all. Several friends told me that I should use it and just fill the hole in with icing. I decided to wait.

Then I baked the second layer-yellow. It was perfect in every way. Gorgeous, perfectly cooked, and wonderfully shaped. I loved it. I decided that such a perfect second layer deserved a perfect first layer and I sent hubby to the store to get another box of cake mix. By this time my son has gone to bed and I was exhausted. I just wanted this whole cake thing to be over so that I could go to bed. So after he finally gets home with the new cake mix, I dragged myself into the kitchen and re-made the layer. All went well-it was in the oven and I made the icing. Butter and sugar-how can you go wrong?

I should mention that by this time I was so tempted by the wrecked first layer that I wondered if part of my decision to trash it was so I could eat it. As soon as I saw the dent, I just wanted to eat it all up.

So layer number three came out and is near perfect. I put it in the freezer to cool faster. Meanwhile I iced the yellow layer and waited. Finally the choco layer is cool so I put it on the top and iced the whole thing.

As I was icing it, I noticed that it the top was slipping and falling off the bottom. I tried rotating it to see if that would help. Now it was cracking a little. I hoped that if I put it in the freezer it would be ok. After about 30 minutes I checked on it and it was broken into three pieces and each one was sliding off the cake. I kept trying to push it back to together. Nothing worked. I put a knife in and tried connecting the two layers with it. I thought if only they could stay together for a while in the freezer then somehow it would be ok. The knife just ripped the cake more. I kept trying to hold the cake together. I got hubby and told him that I was about to lose it.

Then I did. I screamed, I shouted, I threw the cake into the sink. I got cake all over the place. My life is the cake. No matter how perfect I try to make it, no matter how much I try to push the sliding, cracking pieces together to fix them, they just get worse. They just fall apart.

I don’t know how to be this new me-this me that just can’t handle that much. That cries all the time and gets really pissed. That spends her son’s birthday mourning and feeling sad. I don’t know how to be her. She scares me. I don’t chat with my friends so much, I just can’t handle their problems. I don’t want to know what’s bothering them because I can barely handle my own life right now. The woman who I was, before surgery, could do all that but was eating herself into an early grave. This is so hard. Why is it so hard to be human?

I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to hold the cake together so it won’t fall apart but it does anyway and I’ve just wasted all this time that I could have spend doing something that I actually wanted to do. Is there any part of me in my life or is it all just making cake for others and then trying desperately to hold it together as it falls apart?

Lost 16 Pounds First 2 Weeks Post Op-YEAH!

I got good news today-I lost 16 lbs since 1/10/08. I was kind of happy and kind of disappointed. I know it sounds silly but I really thought it would be more. I am so good at sabotaging myself! So, I am thrilled with my weight loss and just don’t know how to get my mind around the big picture.

I find the urge to binge still hits and while I am not “beating the band” with ice cream I have pushed a few other limits. I am frustrated to find that I still must do things like feel myself and plan meals. A part of me wishes that I could just never have to eat!

If I plan and eat well then I do not get over hungry and I am ok. Tonight I went to a 4:20 movie with a friend (Pixie Momma-Busy Tarp) and did not want to deal with dinner after it was over. By the time she left my house it was 7pm and I was really hungry. I was afraid and overwhelmed. I find hunger so overwhelming! I overate. Still not too bad thanx to the band. But I am reminded of how well the band is working and how I still have to care for myself. Urgh! I just can’t be one of those gorgeous, skinny women who never stop to eat. I guess it does not serve them either.

Also, I ran out of a few foods that I rely on and thought I could just adapt. Well I didn’t do so great.

But-Good news. A friend called out to me today-she called “Goddess” and I responded without thinking! Yeah!

I am going to re-commence writing to my angels. I used to channel angels a lot but tapered off due to lots of things. If anything worth repeating comes out, I will post.

-Blessed Be

Bless This B*TCH

On being a b*tch-we all are. Every Goddess is a b*tch. It is a part of us-we just cannot help it. Remember when you feel this way and think that whatever you are being b*tchy about seems really real-it may just be the inner b*tch flaring up and saying “HEAR ME”. “EXPRESS ME.”

She needs to be expressed and that’s ok. She is an important part of us-she protects us and keeps us from getting walked all over or from taking care of others ALL the time. Like a petulant child who declares,with all sincerity, “I hate you!” she also declares such bold feelings of dislike and righteousness for others. However, while we usually remember that the child really is just angry and does not hate us, we frequently forget the the b*tch is also just demanding for a feeling to be heard-not speaking great truths.

Take what she says as an indicator of unexpressed feelings or un-nurtured aspects of self-not as the the truth.

Bless My Inner B*itch-And yours too!

Nookie Nookie

Nookie Nookie-I am reminded that one cannot suppress only some feelings-I am already feeling so much more erotic and sexual after just 3 days on detox. (Bitchy too). At least hubby knows he can shut me up with nookie.

Also, I just want to say that I am beautiful! I am not getting surgery to be beautiful.  My hubby loves me! Yeah!

Goddess Is In You, Love Her There First Instead of Last

Today I realized that we are all like babies.

When my son was a newborn, I remember planning a morning out. First we’d dash to the grocery store, pop by Target, swing over to the dry cleaners and then stop at the drug store on the way home. I’d set out with my new baby, his 500 pound car seat, his newborn temperament and inevitably about half way through my list at the grocery store (my first stop), I’d dash to the checkout lane, figure my husband would have to pick up the rest and then go home. Either he was fussy or tired or hungry. Target was not a stop but the actual activity that would take up our whole morning. A day was not about accomplishing a long list of to do items but hopefully getting through one item completely without too much spit up on my shirt.

I am on day 3 of my detox diet and I feel the same as my new baby did. I just can’t be out too long. I either need a snack or a rest or just to get out of the public eye. I look ahead to my new life with lapband and think it will be the same or even more so. I am told it will take me 30 minutes just to get down 1/2 cup of food. I’m going to have to get up earlier to do that in the morning.

So I think, what else is our life about? I mean, did Goddess really put me here to see how many errands I could knock out in a morning or to see how I could learn to be so present to the Goddess in me and my family and friends to take the time that is needed for our nourishment, nurturing and survival. Can you imagine a cave person saying that there was no time to cook food for the hearth because “I am just too busy-this leather won’t tan itself! Plus I have to gather berries and repair everyone’s clothes-we’ll just throw together something or get drive thru at the cave up the hill?” Nothing is more important that the care and feeding of ourselves and our families.

So, I am trying to see myself as a newborn, learning to live in a body and be loved and love. How to survive and thrive. I invite, beg, implore and plead my goddess sisters to do the same. Love yourselves-Goddess is in you, love her there first instead of last.

Goddessness And The Power Of Positive Thinking

Ugh-I had the Upper GI today-I had to drink barium (YUCH) and stand/lie on this x-ray table while they xrayed my digestion in “action”. The coolness of the whole thing was eclipsed by the yuchiness of the whole thing. But I survived-and am back to my young self after a few cups of cocoa.

One thing that I thought was really interesting was after I drank one of the cups of barium. It landed in my stomach and they wanted it to work it’s way through to my small intestines. They asked me to think about eating foods that I really enjoyed. I had been thinking about how much I wished I could puke up the gross stuff in my tummy. Apparently this type of thinking actually impacts one’s digestion-halting it almost completely. Even according to straight doctor types. Then when thinking of lasagne and ice cream the barium went happily on it’s way.

I was struck by several things. First of all, that damn positive thinking thing, which I hear so much about to the point where I want to shoot the next person with a grenade launcher who tells me to say an affirmation to cure what ails me, apparently is very powerful after all. (Curse you Louise Hay, chiropractors and my mother-I hate it when you’re right!) Also, in the midst of a medical procedure to prepare me for weight loss surgery, I had to talk out loud about foods that I like. I was really ashamed.

And now, the airy-fairy realm of feelings about food is actually a real thing-which effects my ability to digest food. So, I will pray and affirm in a very positive way to have positive feelings about digesting what I eat.

Maybe if I think about celery when I eat a cookie, my body will respond as if it was celery?

So today, no matter what I eat, I say…I am eating celery-mmmm-yummy celery.

Also, I love my body-no matter what size she is and love to digest food and derive nutrients from it. I deserve health and happiness and goddessness. Yummy!

It’s hard to feel like a goddess sometimes

When I first started this blog I really wanted it to be about women’s sexuality. I just want us to feel good. I’ve had a hell of a week, with one crappy thing after another happening. Now, my husband and son are still healthy and happy so for that I’m glad. And this morning I was thinking about how hard it is for women today to feel like goddesses.

We are constantly assaulted with messages that we are not ____ enough. Not good enough, not naughty enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not happy enough, not organized enough, not keeping our homes clean enough, not doing enough for our children. Many of my negative messages, now as an adult, come from within. But there is also plenty of enforcement from outside too.

This week I was at a networking event for women. As I mentioned I am in my bio I am curvilicous. I say that because fat has so many negative connotations. I am currently in the process of getting insurance approval for lap band surgery. It’s a grueling thing-coming to terms with my own appetite and the fact that I’m not going to get the physical freedom that I want without the help of surgery. So anyway, back to the luncheon. I plunk myself down at a table hoping the Universe/Goddess will guide me to a table with the right people that will help grow my business. Or at least be nice. A lady sits down next to me and says that she is a weight loss consultant. I immediately feel certain that she chose to sit next to me in order to get me as a client. Yuch. I felt singled out at the table. Then, to make matters worse, everyone started talking about how awful they felt about themselves.

In retrospect, I could have asked that every woman at the table say something about herself that she loved, but instead, I just asked for us to talk about something else since we were trying to eat lunch.

I spend so much time feeling bad about myself and I don’t know how to change that. I know that when I am feeling more Goddess-y I feel good. But getting there from life can be hard a lot of the time.

I do know that if every woman felt like a Goddess the world would be a better and kinder place. So I pray for me and all of us, Goddess, help us feel like Goddesses! Thank you!