Nourish Me

I nourish my body with food.
I nourish my soul with life.

Bursts Of Joy

This morning I awoke really early-thinking about my addiction to eating. About the little bursts of joy that I get from certain foods. How I still crave that every day. Every minute of every day. I do not know how to release it. How to experience joy in other ways-ways that are real every day ways. Pure brain joy that is.

I have been wanting to un-plug consciously but not knowing how to do it. I read, eat, watch tv. Sex has not been that good lately. I like it but it’s not awesome. I don’t think I need to work on techniques so much as more change from within. That is my new theme-looking within. I just am not doing it a lot. Always looking out.

I miss teaching too. Family education, adult education-I love who I am when I am teaching. I want to do that too!

That brings me to the To Do list. Doing Doing Doing. Always doing or NOT doing. Dominated by doing.

Blessed Be For Today.

• Bursts of Joy Surround Me!
• I Enjoy Doing Joyful Things!
• I Deserve Joy!

I hate money

I was lying in bed this morning and thinking about my day and life and had the thought, “I Hate Money”. I immediately tried to re-frame if for myself-to put it in a posititive light. Like I might offend money if it found out that I hated it. I think that in our new age effort to have everything be an “affirmation” there is a whole heck of a lot of denial going on. So-for now I am sitting with the thought. Seeing where it takes me. Then I went to I hate food. I hate money and food. The two things I spend most of my time obsessing over-I hate them.

I was looking at my old journals from when I was a kid and throughout my life and they basically all have the same thing written in them-I feel powerless over food. I thought recently-if only I could re-claim all that time that I wasted obsessing about food-then I could ??? I  don’t know. What. Something. I hope. What would I do? Who would I be if I wasn’t working on money, food, weight, body, all the time? I don’t have an answer-that takes me back to the question of what does my soul hunger for? What does my soul want me to do?

I love money-I inherited/learned a gift from my grandmother-I memorize prices. I can’t remember the lyrics of a song that I’ve heard a million times to save my life but I can tell you how much Rice Milk costs at Walmart, Kroger and Whole Foods. $2.74, $3.76, $3.89 . Organic Beef: $5.99. Unless it’s on sale. She said that I should watch the readout as they ring up my food to see if the price is exactly what it was on the shelf. It’s an effort for me to look away now.

I love counting. I love keeping track. I saved some money-I accomplished something. I bought something at a good price-woo hoo. I accomplished something.

I can spend it too-but only on acceptable areas-growth, learning, health. So those are the areas where I have the most need-because otherwise I’d get squat. My husband BTW does not share this weird perspective. I want to go spend $60 on the Chiropractor or at a spiritual growth session and I think  that is “ok” and he wants to buy a video game and I think that’s “wrong”. We are working on this.

So I hate it, I love it. I hate it is winning.

And this whole thing that people say-”money is just energy.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t GROK money. What does that mean? I get it intellectually but no deeper.

Difference Between A Food Lover And A Food Addict

I recently bought a saxaphone-it is my new hobby. I am still looking for a teacher. I named her Ella (the sax not the teacher). Anyway, I was talking to the petite sales girl about why I decided to start playing. I was thinking about some activities that I could do to replace the actual vibrational sensation and pleasure that I get from eating-now that I’m not doing much of that anymore and playing a wind instrument came to mind. With my love of jazz-the sax seemed the logical choice.

She said that she also loved food and although you couldn’t tell by looking at her she loved so many different things about food. It really got me thinking. What is the difference between a food lover or foodie and a food addict?

Well-I think that a foodie really loves the food itself while a food addict loves the way that the food makes her feel. When I think about most of the foods that I crave-it is the feeling that goes with eating the food that I think most about. Not that I dont’ like the taste but the taste is only valued as it pairs with the feeling. Thus I am an addict and she a foodie. Seemed like a big revelation to me.

I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want

Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.

So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.

After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!

My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.

This Goddess is focused on lap band surgery

I don’t mean to make this all about lap band and weight loss, but as a modern goddess, that is what I personally am dealing with right now-so here goes.

I go today for an xray of my upper GI tract-I have to drink barrium first. No food too. Then I will have an abdominal ultrasound. I am nervous. I could hardly sleep. I’m not really afraid per se, just nervous. I want this so badly. Waiting is not my strong suit.

I ate last night. Hubby makes holiday dinners-this one was one of his worst. The turkey was good (thanx Ron Popeil) but everything else was pretty bad. Hubby admitted it himself. I still ate. I was hungry. I felt like crap later. Especially after the chocolate silk pie from Whole Foods. I really really really am getting complete with food. I am ready to say goodbye to hunger and fatness.