Update from Goddess-land

How is it that I can feel so empowered one minute and so empty the next? I don’t know how to carry the feeling of divinity into my evenings. I sit at home and feel lonely. I don’t feel like creating art, I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel like reading or watching TV. I have to be careful if I do watch TV because if I watch anything depressing-it haunts me. My life is boring and unsatisfying yet I’m ok. My husband and I are happy – my son is healthy. Hubby’s job is going well as is my business. In this climate-it is wonderful. But… I don’t want to whine. I want to be empowered. I just feel everything but…

I want inspiration, motivation, excitement. I want to feel alive and joyful. I want to feel safe too. Can i have it all?

Can I stop thinking about myself for a moment or two? URGH!

This too is Goddessness-someday I will look back on this time and realize how much I learned-I want to enjoy it now though.

Why are goddesses virgins?

Is there real value in it or just lots of boys writing history who don’t want to think about their mothers doing it?

Goddess Message For Me-I am responsible for my wrongdoings-not teaching others of theirs.

I had a terrible migraine headache for the last two days. While lying in bed yesterday, I prayed and prayed-”Kuan Yin, Angels, Goddess, please help me – I surrender”.

My in-laws and I had a bad falling out a few years ago. Without going into excessive detail-I wrote some stuff online that was rude to them and some other stuff that was too explicit for them. I never meant for them to read it but they found it. I didn’t do the best job of covering my tracks-I’m much better at that now.

Anyway-I’ve apologized but on the condition that they acknowledge some responsibility in the matter. Things were not exactly peachy keen between us before this all happened. Years of ill will, hurt feeling and un-met expectations went into the “final showdown”. I haven’t spoken with them directly-have left phone messages and written but no direct convos. Let’s just say that everyone in my life (except hubby who has been very torn) has thought of me as right and them as wrong.

In bed-in pain yesterday-I prayed and finally felt clear enough to be willing to apologize in person for all wrongdoing and trust that I will be safe. It is not my job to make them responsible for their wrongdoings-only to be responsible for mine. So I will go humbly to them and apologize. From a spiritual place of taking responsibility for me and how I occur in their world. I will not let them harm me in the future but will let them have their own journey and lessons when they are ready for them. It’s not up to me when they “learn” only them. I will let go so that I can move on and my husband is at peace with them-his mommy and daddy.

The words of many a self help program echo in my head, “You can be right or you can be _______.” Fill in the blank with successful, related, happy. Being right is not joyful-being at peace with oneself is. This is the first time when I’ve felt clear enough to be at peace with my apology and not resentful. I will continue to pray to Goddess that this will be the case going forward.

Blessed Be!

Good Self Esteem

“Good self esteem is being at peace with the difference between your real self and your ideal self.”

-My therapist (Anon)

I believe that part of the Goddessness journey is to not just be at peace with your real self but to revel in her. She is the juicy, sensual human who is sacred and precious in every way.

Goddessness Is Not A Size

Recently I was at a ritzy mall in Atlanta with my good friend, and she asked me what would I do if money were no object. I said that I would fix a few small things around my house and travel travel travel. Since we were looking at store after store of fancy clothes I started thinking abouy what I liked. I loved a lot of the clothes in the window of Bebe. They were very tiny.

The thing that I find frustrating isn’t just that I can’t shop there now. Thanx to my hard work combined with my lap band surgery, I will probably be able to shop there in a year or so. The thing that I find so frustrating is that many women can’t shop there. If I woke up tomorrow a size 0, I think that I would feel like I was betraying all my goddesses by shopping there.

Beauty is not a size and so many women of all sizes  deserve to feel beatiful and wear beatiful clothes. Dividing us by size into this store or that store is so demeaning and lowers all of us. Goddesses should be able to buy sexy clothes-even in ritzy malls.

I Feel Like Somebody

Today I helped a friend whose hit rough times (to put it lightly) with her resume. I took several versions of her resume, re-wrote and re-formatted it. At the end she looked at it and said, “Wow-I feel like somebody now.”

I have not been able to stop thinking about that comment. I think that we should all do a resume-maybe with the help of a friend who likes us better than we like ourselves-for the area of our lives that we feel like a nobody. Career, spirituality, love, fitness whatever. And see that we too are all “somebody”.

I am working on this-think maybe it’s part of the Goddessness coaching program.

Where do you think that you are a nobody?

I Do Not Have To Prove Myself To Anyone

This past weekend we went on a tour of the Braves Club house-that’s the room where the guys all get changed and ready for games. Besides the yummy testosterone everywhere (not actual players-just energy!) I was particularly inspired by a message that one of the players, Yunel Escobar, had taped to his area.

“No tengo que demostrarle nada a nadie. Yo se quien soy YO”

I translated it as…

“I do not have to  prove myself to anyone. I know who I am-Me.”

I would like to make Yunel an honorary Godess! YEAH!

Why women don’t make as much as men

I think I know why women don’t make as much money as men. We have to spend so much dealing with our hormones! It’s really hard to be professional when you really just want to disembowel everyone in the room! I know that is kind of a sexist perspective-but damn-I’m sick of restraining myself from a killing spree!

Sperm Wars-Empowering Women!

I just ordered the book, Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles, on Amazon. It was a ground breaking book written by a scientist. He (Robin Baker) learned that women are designed to have multiple partners biologically. While I’m not interested in cheating on hubby I still find the concept very empowering. We are the ones who ultimately choose who is best fit to carry on the human race-not men.

Anyway-I haven’t read it-looking forward to learning more…

Let’s All Have Cake!

I feel like my Goddess identity has been a bit squashed. She does not know how to communicate her message to the world. She wants to tell women that the process of learning to love themselves is a sexual one first. Then it’s about trust. Then it’s about respect. Then it’s about boundaries (with the self first) and finally it is one of spreading the word.

As annoying as those Jehovah’s Witnesses are-they are willing to spread the word of their faith in a world where many do not want to hear. As a goddess lover I feel the need to hide. I will come out of hiding.

Do you masturbate? Do you enjoy sex with a partner? Start there. Those who believe that it is wrong or not necessary are denying a gift that Goddess gave us. Would you say no to a calorie free and healthy cake at a party? If it was the best cake in the universe and would only help you or at least leave you no worse off than you already are? No. Well orgasms are like that. Free-no calories-they do not hurt anyone. This gift was given to us to help us cope with the rest of reality! Use it!!!