I had a terrible migraine headache for the last two days. While lying in bed yesterday, I prayed and prayed-”Kuan Yin, Angels, Goddess, please help me – I surrender”.
My in-laws and I had a bad falling out a few years ago. Without going into excessive detail-I wrote some stuff online that was rude to them and some other stuff that was too explicit for them. I never meant for them to read it but they found it. I didn’t do the best job of covering my tracks-I’m much better at that now.
Anyway-I’ve apologized but on the condition that they acknowledge some responsibility in the matter. Things were not exactly peachy keen between us before this all happened. Years of ill will, hurt feeling and un-met expectations went into the “final showdown”. I haven’t spoken with them directly-have left phone messages and written but no direct convos. Let’s just say that everyone in my life (except hubby who has been very torn) has thought of me as right and them as wrong.
In bed-in pain yesterday-I prayed and finally felt clear enough to be willing to apologize in person for all wrongdoing and trust that I will be safe. It is not my job to make them responsible for their wrongdoings-only to be responsible for mine. So I will go humbly to them and apologize. From a spiritual place of taking responsibility for me and how I occur in their world. I will not let them harm me in the future but will let them have their own journey and lessons when they are ready for them. It’s not up to me when they “learn” only them. I will let go so that I can move on and my husband is at peace with them-his mommy and daddy.
The words of many a self help program echo in my head, “You can be right or you can be _______.” Fill in the blank with successful, related, happy. Being right is not joyful-being at peace with oneself is. This is the first time when I’ve felt clear enough to be at peace with my apology and not resentful. I will continue to pray to Goddess that this will be the case going forward.
Blessed Be!
Tags: blog, forgiveness, goddess, goddessness, happiness, inlaws, kuan yin, marriage, responsibility
goddess, lap band, rant, sexuality, yule | Goddess | 
March 6, 2009 11:54 am | 
Comments (0)
The results from the spiritual opening that occured for me at the sence have been amazing. I really feel that the proof of spirit in my life is so compelling that I almost (note that I said almost) don’t need faith!
I have listened to the recording several times over already and hear new things each time. Jeremiah told me that in the next 6 months my life was going to be so good that it would be beyong my wildest dreams. I thought at the time that I had some pretty wild dreams so didn’t know how that could be the case but have already seen it happen!
The already amazing relationship that I have with my husband has skyrocketed! We are closer than ever on every level. In the past, I’ve been such a light sleeper that I slept alone but have started to crave his energy and now sleep sounder than ever-even spooning! He can snore as loud as a freight train and I just love being near him! The only time I even hear it is when I get up to go to the bathroom!
He keeps coming up to me and just telling me how much he loves and appreciates me-how beautiful my body is-how he just wants to connect! All this and he’s straight too!
Anyway, it’s been wonderful. There have already been some big bumps too but they are passing without so much trauma. I am soo grateful for my life!
Blessing to all of you. I invite you to say that you are open to receiving blessings of love from the universe or whatever you believe in and see what happens. Also do something spiritual that is outside of your comfort zone and enjoy!
Tags: goddess, happiness, marriage, seance, spirit, spirituality, woman, women
being a woman, empowerment, marriage, share, spirituality | Goddess | November 26, 2008 11:42 am | Comments (0)
Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.
So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.
After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!
My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.
About 1 year ago, I learned of a type of weight loss surgery called Lap Band. After struggling with my weight, literally since I was 5 I felt relieved. Little did I know what I would have to go through to get the surgery-to deal with my health and my life.
It was all wrapped up in Goddess-because I dedicated myself to Her (Substitute your divine source here) and now I realize that maybe in my dedication I did not realize that Goddess’ first job for me would be to heal myself. To purge my life of negative people and to achieve career success. To finally deal with the baggage that I had literally and figuratively been dragging around with me my whole life.
So, in a nutshell, over the last year, I have been sicker than I have ever been, broke up with my best friend, not gotten insurance approval for my surgery, gained more weight, had the most difficult time in my marriage, lost the feeling of control over my life and wished for peace-not knowing if this could be achieved while alive-I wondered. I could never end things, my son loves me too much. But, the thought entered my mind more this year than any since I was 14-the worst year of my life.
This has also been the year when I ended a toxic relationship (best friend), saw my business do very well after that happened, committed to discovering my life path for myself-not what others want for me, found out that I have adrenal fatigue (found a great doctor), healed my marriage and made it stronger than ever, made new healthy adult friendships, discovered the wonder of some old friendships that I had neglected, have committed to having the surgery even if we must take a second mortgage on our house to pay for it.
I suppose this was the year that I hit rock bottom-that I saw that I must pick myself up by my bootstraps over and over again to achieve my dreams. I declared that my dream is NOT to obsess about food-if surgery will make that happen then it’s ok. It’s ok that my will power, soul clogging anger and guilt may not be totally healed or released-it’s ok for me to be a struggling human and still have my dreams come true.
