How is it that I can feel so empowered one minute and so empty the next? I don’t know how to carry the feeling of divinity into my evenings. I sit at home and feel lonely. I don’t feel like creating art, I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel like reading or watching TV. I have to be careful if I do watch TV because if I watch anything depressing-it haunts me. My life is boring and unsatisfying yet I’m ok. My husband and I are happy – my son is healthy. Hubby’s job is going well as is my business. In this climate-it is wonderful. But… I don’t want to whine. I want to be empowered. I just feel everything but…
I want inspiration, motivation, excitement. I want to feel alive and joyful. I want to feel safe too. Can i have it all?
Can I stop thinking about myself for a moment or two? URGH!
This too is Goddessness-someday I will look back on this time and realize how much I learned-I want to enjoy it now though.
Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.
So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.
After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!
My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.
being a woman, empowerment, goddess, goddessness | Goddess | 
September 11, 2009 7:43 pm | 
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