Goddessness Is Not A Size

Recently I was at a ritzy mall in Atlanta with my good friend, and she asked me what would I do if money were no object. I said that I would fix a few small things around my house and travel travel travel. Since we were looking at store after store of fancy clothes I started thinking abouy what I liked. I loved a lot of the clothes in the window of Bebe. They were very tiny.

The thing that I find frustrating isn’t just that I can’t shop there now. Thanx to my hard work combined with my lap band surgery, I will probably be able to shop there in a year or so. The thing that I find so frustrating is that many women can’t shop there. If I woke up tomorrow a size 0, I think that I would feel like I was betraying all my goddesses by shopping there.

Beauty is not a size and so many women of all sizes  deserve to feel beatiful and wear beatiful clothes. Dividing us by size into this store or that store is so demeaning and lowers all of us. Goddesses should be able to buy sexy clothes-even in ritzy malls.

Look beyond your parts-to see your whole!

This month, at my lab band support group, there will be several different plastic surgeons coming to talk. I am not going. I understand that some people have tons of leftover skin after losing weight. I also feel like it just encourages the perfection conversation. Every fat person that I know, over analyzes their faults-at least the small ones.

I saw a woman who had lost 100 lbs recently. She is still overweight. She feels as if she’s done nothing and the first thing that she did was jiggle her underarms. “I hate these!” she declared with disgust.

I told her that most people, at least the kind of people who we care about, don’t just look right at our underarms the moment they see us. They also don’t look right at our thighs or go on a cellulite search. They just look at US!

I know women of all sizes who focus on some particular body part that they hate and that is the first thing they see in the mirror.

The journey of Goddessness is to learn to love ourselves as whole creatures. To understand that no one is perfect and that no matter what we look like we deserve to feel like a Goddess. I do this some days better than others. Overall-I feel good about myself and grateful and when I don’t – I too must remember my own words.

When people see you they just see you-they do not zoom in on the body parts (well maybe breasts or legs but usually that’s because they like them!).

I’m down 50 lbs – what’s your response?

I am now down 50 lbs as of 6/6/08. YEAH! I am very grateful for my wonderful progress. It’s interesting to me that people who are normal weight think that I’ve lost a ton and people who either are overweight or have struggled with their weight think that my progress is slow. I also have thought that my progress was slow.

I think that, at least for me, I have been so unable in the past to see progress and be happy with it that I never experience it. I am now learning how to acknowledge my own success and feel proud of it instead of looking for fault and thinking it’s not enough.

So-When someone tells you that they lost 50 lbs in 5 months-if you think that is slow-I invite you to look at your own life and see where you are being so critical that you are not progressing or moving forward.

Lap Band Progress

My weight loss update: I’m now down 36 pounds since January. Yeah! I went clothes shopping and lots of things fit and I had choices! I still have many miles to go but am happy with my progress.

Seems Like No Matter What-Things Fall Apart

Tonight I lost it. I screamed, I cried. I hit the wall, I threw food. I exploded with anger. Let me begin at the beginning.

I decided to make my son’s birthday cake. I wanted to save money plus I wanted the glory. I am a very good baker and frankly, I like the praise I get when people taste my work.

I made the first layer. It was chocolate. I had even bought a new pan to bake it in. I have these cooling racks that you can either put right on the counter or they stack on top of each other with these little feet that collapse. I had the rack up on it’s feet and as I was putting the cake on it, one side collapsed and I grabbed the cake with my oven mitt covered hand to keep it from sliding onto the floor and burning me. I did save the cake but I left a big dent in it.

My son (now 6) said that it looked like a good cake and I should go ahead and use it in the final cake, dent and all. Several friends told me that I should use it and just fill the hole in with icing. I decided to wait.

Then I baked the second layer-yellow. It was perfect in every way. Gorgeous, perfectly cooked, and wonderfully shaped. I loved it. I decided that such a perfect second layer deserved a perfect first layer and I sent hubby to the store to get another box of cake mix. By this time my son has gone to bed and I was exhausted. I just wanted this whole cake thing to be over so that I could go to bed. So after he finally gets home with the new cake mix, I dragged myself into the kitchen and re-made the layer. All went well-it was in the oven and I made the icing. Butter and sugar-how can you go wrong?

I should mention that by this time I was so tempted by the wrecked first layer that I wondered if part of my decision to trash it was so I could eat it. As soon as I saw the dent, I just wanted to eat it all up.

So layer number three came out and is near perfect. I put it in the freezer to cool faster. Meanwhile I iced the yellow layer and waited. Finally the choco layer is cool so I put it on the top and iced the whole thing.

As I was icing it, I noticed that it the top was slipping and falling off the bottom. I tried rotating it to see if that would help. Now it was cracking a little. I hoped that if I put it in the freezer it would be ok. After about 30 minutes I checked on it and it was broken into three pieces and each one was sliding off the cake. I kept trying to push it back to together. Nothing worked. I put a knife in and tried connecting the two layers with it. I thought if only they could stay together for a while in the freezer then somehow it would be ok. The knife just ripped the cake more. I kept trying to hold the cake together. I got hubby and told him that I was about to lose it.

Then I did. I screamed, I shouted, I threw the cake into the sink. I got cake all over the place. My life is the cake. No matter how perfect I try to make it, no matter how much I try to push the sliding, cracking pieces together to fix them, they just get worse. They just fall apart.

I don’t know how to be this new me-this me that just can’t handle that much. That cries all the time and gets really pissed. That spends her son’s birthday mourning and feeling sad. I don’t know how to be her. She scares me. I don’t chat with my friends so much, I just can’t handle their problems. I don’t want to know what’s bothering them because I can barely handle my own life right now. The woman who I was, before surgery, could do all that but was eating herself into an early grave. This is so hard. Why is it so hard to be human?

I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to hold the cake together so it won’t fall apart but it does anyway and I’ve just wasted all this time that I could have spend doing something that I actually wanted to do. Is there any part of me in my life or is it all just making cake for others and then trying desperately to hold it together as it falls apart?

Biology Will Always Win-No More Talk Of Low Willpower-Just Power

My struggle with eating health food has always been my appetite, so when my band is adjusted well and I am not overly  hungry-I eat very well-low wheat/high protein the whole healthy deleo but when I am hungry all the time I just can’t stick to that. It has been my life long battle/journey.

One of the theories that I’ve read about is that some of us have a genetic pre-disposition to overeat during times of abundance and then we are all set for times of scarcity. During the “old days” this was the cycle of life. Now that we are in a constant state of abundance, our brains and biology just don’t know how to adapt. Add in the constant availability of food that is not nutritionally rich and sound and you get a recipe for the obesity epidemic that we are facing. For people who are obese, which means they have a BMI of 35 or more, there is a 90% failure rate with an weight loss program, even if successful-it will all be gained back because we are constantly fighting our biology and usually biology wins. With the lap band the opposite is the case. There is a 90% (or something like that) success rate-because of the ability to stimulate the full hormones and nerve endings in our stomachs without overeating we actually are successful. There was even a study in Australia on overweight people with diabetes. With lap band surgery their condition was not managed but actually cured whereas with diet and exercise it was just managed.

Everyone is different and needs to find the solution that works for them. Also the solutions that work for people who are overweight versus obese are different (they are actually medical terms). I am at the beginning of my lap band journey but am looking so forward to continuing-I have hope and a real sense that I can be successful without suffering constantly-I am very excited.  So yes, I must eat healthy and exercise-the surgery is a tool to help me eat less and that is all-the rest is up to me. But it is such a great tool! I have been walking and doing the elliptical at the gym. I worked out 20 days in Feb. In a few weeks or month I will begin a weight lifting regime as well to assure that I lose fat and not muscle.

I believe that lap band surgery is a great medical solution to living in an unnatural world.

Thank You Lap Band

I have hit the 6 week mark with the lap band. I am down 22lbs. I am really looking forward to getting my first adjustment so that I will be eating less and losing more.

Hubby said last week that when I was full faster I did not feel upset at the lack of food but free as if removed from prison.

Thank you lap band for freeing me from the prison of my apetite.

Lost 16 Pounds First 2 Weeks Post Op-YEAH!

I got good news today-I lost 16 lbs since 1/10/08. I was kind of happy and kind of disappointed. I know it sounds silly but I really thought it would be more. I am so good at sabotaging myself! So, I am thrilled with my weight loss and just don’t know how to get my mind around the big picture.

I find the urge to binge still hits and while I am not “beating the band” with ice cream I have pushed a few other limits. I am frustrated to find that I still must do things like feel myself and plan meals. A part of me wishes that I could just never have to eat!

If I plan and eat well then I do not get over hungry and I am ok. Tonight I went to a 4:20 movie with a friend (Pixie Momma-Busy Tarp) and did not want to deal with dinner after it was over. By the time she left my house it was 7pm and I was really hungry. I was afraid and overwhelmed. I find hunger so overwhelming! I overate. Still not too bad thanx to the band. But I am reminded of how well the band is working and how I still have to care for myself. Urgh! I just can’t be one of those gorgeous, skinny women who never stop to eat. I guess it does not serve them either.

Also, I ran out of a few foods that I rely on and thought I could just adapt. Well I didn’t do so great.

But-Good news. A friend called out to me today-she called “Goddess” and I responded without thinking! Yeah!

I am going to re-commence writing to my angels. I used to channel angels a lot but tapered off due to lots of things. If anything worth repeating comes out, I will post.

-Blessed Be

I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want

Yesterday I think I cleared a hurdle. My calves had been really hurting-I did not know why-and I was whining endlessley about it to my friend, Lisa, who suggested that I might have a blood clot. Or two. I didn’t sleep much on Sat night fearing the end was nigh so first think Sunday morning, Hubby took me to the ER to get checked out. He never believed that I had them but also knew that I wouldn’t stop worrying about it until I was sure.

So towards the end of the 5 hour jaunt in the ER, I told him that I hated this surgery because I was hungry all the time and in pain. He replied that I had been hungry all the time and in pain before the surgery-additionally I was guilty for eating too much. A light bulb went off in my mind-I am really changing and I am not going to let minor complaints stop me from living the life that I want.

After finally arriving home, I went out for a walk. Despite the pain and the hunger and the cold. It was a short walk but still an important one. Today I will go further. My 5 yr old commented that I look smaller. YEAH!

My friend who had lap band in July warned me that I would hate her for a while-during the hungry phase and so I did. But maybe I’m through the worst of it. Maybe not. Either way, I will survive this difficult period-reduce my dependence on food and eating and finally when I do get to have my 3 tiny meals a day, maybe I will be in heaven. Maybe I will just be fed and leave the bliss of heaven to pursuits not involving food.

Lookin’ Good-Inside and Out

Today is day 8 post op. I am getting somewhat into a rhythm. I am making sure to have all my protein each day as that is crucial for healing. I also finally got the fiber that my doc recommended, it’s called, Benefiber. It actually dissolved so well that I really couldn’t tell it was mixed in. I had a liquid multi/fiber drink and felt so healthy! I recommend this fiber for anyone! Hubby asked if it “worked”. I will have to get back to you on that. I recommend it for anyone!

Let’s see-there is much to report. On Tuesday night-I reclaimed my body! I actually took the time (and yes it took while) to have my first post op orgasm! YEAH! It wasn’t the greatest one ever, but I was so glad to have my self back. I really feel that a woman’s ability to pleasure herself if so connected with her spirit and power-I am glad to report that I am back in the solitary saddle. I think that I will have to wait for the incisions to heal for a bit longer before getting back in the saddle with Hubby. It’s so great that I don’t have to be dependent on anyone for my own orgasm!

Why is it important? I believe that Goddess gave us the ability for a great reason! Why would we be able to cause ourselves such joy without any negative consequences (except those sometimes imposed by society) unless it was a vital part of our existence? So ladies reading this – if you’re not already on the bandwagon-please climb on and have some fun! Ok, I’ll get off my soap box now.

Next, I saw this great show yesterday, called, How to Look Good Naked. It’s on Lifetime. Hosted by Carson Kressley of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy fame. I find if frustrating that it takes a gay man to teach women how to love their bodies but at least someone is doing it! Plus he is really funny. I want to be really really clear that just because I had weight loss surgery does not mean that I think that I have to be thin to be beautiful. I have achieve a weight where I cannot do the things that I dream of, I have difficulty playing with my son, I cannot fit into lots of chairs including airplane seats, I can barely buckle my car seat belt, I have difficulty reaching my butt for wiping, and sex is less enjoyable because of my big belly. So, all the gory detail is to tell you that I still think I am beautiful and sexy. I am excited about getting smaller for lots of reasons and yes, some of them are about clothes and appearance but I do not think that I need to be a small woman to be a sexy one. Also, I will never have a perfect body, since NO ONE does and will continue to learn to love me more every day. I also got the surgery because I have spent a life time obsessing about what to eat and what not to eat and I am ready to spend my energy on other pursuits. I recommend this show because it teaches all women to love their bodies and enjoy them as they are today!

So, I love the show because it take women who are really pretty normal and teaches them to love and flaunt their body.

I think that is about it for me for now. I with that I could find a photographer who would do a tasteful line of nude photos for me-photographers out there-new biz opp!