I hate money

I was lying in bed this morning and thinking about my day and life and had the thought, “I Hate Money”. I immediately tried to re-frame if for myself-to put it in a posititive light. Like I might offend money if it found out that I hated it. I think that in our new age effort to have everything be an “affirmation” there is a whole heck of a lot of denial going on. So-for now I am sitting with the thought. Seeing where it takes me. Then I went to I hate food. I hate money and food. The two things I spend most of my time obsessing over-I hate them.

I was looking at my old journals from when I was a kid and throughout my life and they basically all have the same thing written in them-I feel powerless over food. I thought recently-if only I could re-claim all that time that I wasted obsessing about food-then I could ??? I  don’t know. What. Something. I hope. What would I do? Who would I be if I wasn’t working on money, food, weight, body, all the time? I don’t have an answer-that takes me back to the question of what does my soul hunger for? What does my soul want me to do?

I love money-I inherited/learned a gift from my grandmother-I memorize prices. I can’t remember the lyrics of a song that I’ve heard a million times to save my life but I can tell you how much Rice Milk costs at Walmart, Kroger and Whole Foods. $2.74, $3.76, $3.89 . Organic Beef: $5.99. Unless it’s on sale. She said that I should watch the readout as they ring up my food to see if the price is exactly what it was on the shelf. It’s an effort for me to look away now.

I love counting. I love keeping track. I saved some money-I accomplished something. I bought something at a good price-woo hoo. I accomplished something.

I can spend it too-but only on acceptable areas-growth, learning, health. So those are the areas where I have the most need-because otherwise I’d get squat. My husband BTW does not share this weird perspective. I want to go spend $60 on the Chiropractor or at a spiritual growth session and I think  that is “ok” and he wants to buy a video game and I think that’s “wrong”. We are working on this.

So I hate it, I love it. I hate it is winning.

And this whole thing that people say-”money is just energy.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t GROK money. What does that mean? I get it intellectually but no deeper.